Last March, many SWE Detroit members had the privilege of hearing one of the book's authors, Sheila Heen, speak on how to handle a difficult conversation. She explained, with much enthusiasm and some audience participation, how to break down a difficult conversation into three components: 1) The "What Happened" conversation - exploring both views from a third party perspective; 2) The Feelings Conversation - unraveling the complexity of emotions of both parties and diffusing any negative effects; and 3) The Identity Conversation - recognizing how our perception of ourselves may affect our position.
This book is a worthwhile expansion of the talk, detailing the different components and furnishing many specific examples. It provides a formulaic approach to evaluating the situation and thinking through the different components. In the "What Happened" portion, the authors describe how to disentangle the facts without placing blame or guessing the other's intentions. In regards to "feelings", the issues involve not only our emotional footprint on how we were raised, but also realizing that judgments are not feelings. In recognizing our "identity," we must learn to accept our own contribution to the problems, and realize that there are no all-or-nothing aspects to our personalities. (Ex. Changing jobs does not mean you are not a loyal person.)
The text is useful for anyone who has ever had trouble bringing up a difficult topic, whether it is with an employer, a relative, a friend, or even a relatively unfriendly neighbor. It provides pointers on how to get started in creating a learning conversation, how to listen to others, how to express yourself, and even how to problem solve.
The book follows a detailed framework and can be read quickly. The authors have used their experience as instructors at the Harvard Law School to present their points in an outline structure. This format makes it easy to go back and review specific sections. At the end, the authors do stress that it takes a lot of practice to become proficient and successful in the art of conversations, but this book can still have an immediate impact in your daily interactions with others.